Remus smiles happily and closes his eyes. “Yes. You’re insanely brilliant, Padfoot. You floor me with your study abilities.” He gives a low chuckle and relaxes into the couch some more, fighting a yawn. It came out anyway, combined with a laugh, when Sirius began speaking. “I like spending time with you, Sirius, but for Merlin’s sake, swallow before you speak.” He opens his eyes and smiles at his new… Well, Sirius. “You promised bed after dinner.” He yawns softly again.
“Thank you, Moony. That’s much better. That’s more of what I expected from you.” Sirius grinned before slumping over during Remus’ yawn. “Sorry. I wasn’t done chewing.” He said obviously, then sat back up. Sirius’ hair stuck up in way too may directions and he jumped up, his arms out in front of him to reach for Remus’ hands. “Let’s go to bed then. C’mon. Up.”
Remus laughs loudly and shakes his head. “You never would have studied. You’d still be trying for your OWLs if not for my nagging.” He smiles over to Sirius and shrugs. “But it’s okay. You’re brilliant, either way. I’m just teasing, really. You guys would be fine without me.” He eats his pizza and leans back into the couch. “Dinner was brilliant, Sirius. Thank you.” He closes his eyes and hums softly. “Today has been wonderful.”
“Excuse you.” Sirius grinned and nudged Remus’ side. “You better be teasing. I’m fucking brilliant, Moony.” He grabbed another slice of pizza, almost inhaling it. Before he’s even done chewing, he began to speak again, “I r’ll ‘ike spndn tm wuh ‘ou, oony.” Sirius said with his mouth full. When he finally swallowed, he grinned. “I’m glad it’s been wonderful.”
Remus chuckles with him and squeezes his hand. He couldn’t remember ever having felt so happy. The part of him that he had felt hollow had now been filled, and he realized now what he had been looking for. It had been Sirius, and now he had him! “Alright, alright. You have permission to romance.” He laughs again, kissing him back and smiling when they parted. It was comforting to know that this wouldn’t affect their friendship negatively, because he knew that if he lost Sirius’ friendship, he would be utterly alone. He nods his agreement and gives him another quick kiss. “That much is true. You would never have graduated had I not been there to force you to study.” He grins and winks, grabbing another slice of pizza and eating it.
Sirius squeezed his hand back and grinned before leaning over to bump into the other man’s shoulder with his own. He couldn’t help but lean up also to plant a kiss to his cheek. “Good, I better have permission.” Sirius laughed shortly but kissed the tip of Remus’ nose. He couldn’t help it, not even if he wanted. And he didn’t. “Oh don’t even start, Remus Lupin. You know damn well I would have graduated with or without you. Though, your guidance surely helped me…. a lot.” More than he’d like to admit, but Remus didn’t have to know.
Remus smiles at him and chuckles. “Well, today you bought me dinner, we both got off, and we talked about feelings. I think that counts as a date, yeah?” He knew Sirius would argue, because this was far from a proper date, but he thought it was kind of nice. In an odd sort of way, anyhow. Truth be told, he was a bit scared of what Sirius meant by a real date. He didn’t exactly have the wardrobe for a nice restaurant, nor did he really feel comfortable going somewhere where he couldn’t offer to pay for himself. But the idea of dating Sirius made his entire soul soar, he smile widen, and his mind ease. He didn’t worry half as much about everything when he was with Sirius. His friend wouldn’t let him, and he was a better person because of it. Sirius kept the grey hairs away and the monsters in the closet. He needed Sirius. “Just. We have to swear that we’ll stay friends if it doesn’t work. I can’t really survive without you.”
“No, MOONY.” Sirius laughed but .. well, the logic was there. But that was not what he had meant. And he knew Remus wouldn’t enjoy half of the things he wanted to do, but he wouldn’t do them anyway because of how Remus was. He wouldn’t take him out to places they both didn’t belong. Sirius was no uppity person. He didn’t belong in fancy dining places, he didn’t belong in any upscale neighborhoods… not anymore. He knew Remus didn’t want to go to these places, either. “No, Moony, I have ideas. Ideas you’ll like. Honest.” Sirius smiled and leaned over, pressing a single kiss to his mate’s soft lips. “We’ll always be friends, Remus. I promise. No matter what happens. We’ll always be friends. I’ve never been much of anything without you.”
Remus is silent for a long time, trying to think of something to say to prove to Sirius that this was a bad idea. But he couldn’t. Sirius was right, and he was just making excuses. He was afraid of opening himself up and getting hurt, so he was using his condition as a crutch. He reaches up and grabs Sirius’ hands, smiling and nodding. “You do make me happy, Sirius. Very, very happy. And you’re probably right. I’m making excuses to try and scare you off. But I should know better. It’s bloody you. Your the most stubborn person I know.” He laughs lightly, trying to cut the tension, and squeezes his hands. He leans in and kisses him quickly before relaxing and pulling away. “So, what did you mean by romancing me?”
Sirius knew he was right. He was right for once in his life on something so important. He knew Remus couldn’t say no. And he did know Remus was using his ailments as crutches and excuses. Sirius wasn’t about to fall for it. He wasn’t stupid and he knew Remus better than anyone. “Right you are, Mr. Moony. I’m never going away, you know. You can’t even force me away. I live here.” Sirius laughed but leaned in, returning the kiss he didn’t know would make his stomach flip. Or that he knew would feel so domestic, but so perfect. It was as if a light had been switched on. The blindfold taken off his eyes. He knew how he felt about Remus but had always pushed it out. If it wasn’t there, it wasn’t real. It was real, though. It had always been real. “Romancing you? Ah, my dear Remus…” He said with a wicked smile, “A date. A real one, for starters…”
Remus looks to Sirius, eyes wide and lip between his teeth. He takes a deep breath and slowly shakes his head. “Sirius… I don’t want to take you away from all that life has to offer you. You are a smart, handsome, funny, talented, pureblood young man. You have the entire world at your feet. If… If you’re with me, then all of that is going to disappear. It is… Extremely selfish of me to do that to you. No matter how badly I want it. How could I do that to someone I care so much for?”
“Remus.. I left that. All of it. I left the ‘Pureblood’ behind the day I walked out of my parent’s home. I don’t CARE. I don’t want children.. I’d rather spoil Prongs’ baby. I’d rather see them grow up. I don’t care if it’s wrong to love a man and I don’t really give a damn that you’re giving me excuses. That’s what you’re doing, because you know it’s a load of shit. You know it’s shit that you’d be holding me back. You wouldn’t be.” Sirius shook his head, “I don’t want the world. The world is filled with horrible things and horrible people. The only thing I want is you. And this is going to sound sappy and you can hit me later but.. you’re my kind of world. Because mine would be lonely without you. If I wanted the perfect, boring family, or children, or any of that, I would have stayed with my parents. You know that. I think I could make you as happy as you could make me… I’d like to try.”
Remus, once again, knew better than to interrupt. He listened intently, moving closer with every few sentences until he was sitting right beside Sirius. He took his other hand and held them both firmly, looking straight to the other boy. He wanted to make his intentions clear when he spoke to Sirius, and he knew direct contact would be the best way. “I didn’t even know you liked men, Sirius. And, well, to be honest, I’m not nearly good enough for you. I’m an unemployed werewolf, destined to work small jobs to try and make ends meet for the rest of my life. You deserve someone that can give you the life you deserve. Someone that will be able to grow old with you, start a family, make you happy. And, as much as I want to be that person, I don’t know if I will be able to. I care for you so deeply, Sirius, and I want you to live a long, happy, fulfilling life with someone.” He looks down and shuts his eyes, really trying to not let himself feel as heartbroken as he was. He wanted so badly to have Sirius for himself, but that was extremely selfish of him, and it wouldn’t be fair to Sirius.
Sirius looked at his hands after Remus was done speaking. He’d kept eye contact the entire time and done well. But now.. no, Remus was wrong. Wrong in every single way. And Remus was never wrong. But he was wrong in this moment. ”No.. Remus.. Love doesn’t work that way.”
Sirius caged Remus’ face between his hands and brushed his thumbs over the other’s cheeks, “Money doesn’t matter. Your condition has never mattered.” He went quiet for a moment, “None of that matters to me. Only you do.”
”If I’m not making you happy.. then I’m never going to be as happy as you want me to be.
Remus tried really hard to keep his face impassive throughout, but it was damn hard. First was the disappointment which quickly faded to slight amusement. He had never seen Sirius this nervous around anyone. He knew better than to try and interrupt, though, lest he knock the other man off of his train of thought. Try as he might, he couldn’t keep from smiling the more Sirius talked. It would appear that they had been dancing around this for a long time, and he was smiling brightly by the end of it, reaching over and stilling Sirius’ hand closest to him. “Why didn’t you say anything, Sirius?”
Sirius finally stopped with a huff and took Remus’ hand in his own. “Why didn’t I say anything?” He paused, “Because! Because… I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t want to muck up our friendship but I can’t stand the smell of other people on you when you come home. I can’t stand thinking about you with other men. With anyone. But you aren’t.. er, weren’t mine. I had nothing to say about your life. I couldn’t run it. I didn’t know you .. wanted me. At all. But I see the way you run yourself into the ground.. and you’ve held me when I threw up on nights.. because I ran myself into the ground, and.. fuck Remus, we’re just a mess who didn’t have to be one at all.” Sirius finally said, pulling Remus’ hand up to his lips to kiss over his knuckles. “I just wanted you to be happy. I didn’t know that I wanted you.. I thought.. I didn’t know. I was jealous of everything. I didn’t want people to touch you yet I didn’t.. think I was the one good enough for you. I wanted you to be happy but I wanted to tear you down when you became happy… because I wanted you to be happy with me.. yet again, I thought I wasn’t the one to make you happy. So it was a never-ending cycle in my head and… Remus.. I do want you. Now… I always did.”
Remus nods and gives an appreciative smile. “Thanks for dinner, Sirius.” He eats like he hadn’t had food for weeks, appreciating how good it was. He really wanted to talk to Sirius about where they stood, the suspense was killing him. If he needed to move out, he’d like to know as soon as possible so he could try and start saving for a new place. When he was finished he turned to look at Sirius, running a hand in his hair and setting the dishes down. “So… We just had sex.” There. It was out. Maybe things wouldn’t be as awkward if they could just force out the truths and be open with each other.
Sirius licked his fingers after Remus had spoken but it really didn’t deter him. “We .. kind of had sex. I didn’t actually bone you.” Wow, real insensitive. But Sirius looked up with the most innocent of looks. And it was real. “I mean, I didn’t want to actually do it.” He paused, “I DO want to do it. Just.. God Remus!” Sirius covered his face with his hands after he’d put down his plate. “… You’re not like other guys. You’re my best mate. And .. If.. No, when, I’m going to do you. I mean.. er, shag you senseless.. Fuck, God, I can’t do this right! Okay. WHEN I’m going to shag you, it’s going to be because I’ve romanced you so thoroughly, you won’t forget it. Ever.” Sirius sighed, “And I’m not about to shag another bloke that…. isn’t called my boyfriend.” Surely, he hoped Remus knew what he meant. “I’ve.. fancied you.. a long time.” Sirius rubbed his hands against his jeans, “I’ve liked you too, since.. fifth year. I think that’s when it started, even though I wasn’t.. aware of it then.”
Remus smirks at him and chuckles at his answer. He knew more than anyone that Sirius could eat as much as he did on most days. He grabs a slice of pizza from the box as Sirius goes to get eating things, half-way done with it by the time he came back. Remus was starving, so he added two more slices of pizza, a breadstick, and some pasta to his plate. He immediately blushes and shrugs at the suggested topic of conversation. He was terrified of hearing the words ‘it was just a shag, it meant nothing’ from Sirius. Generally he is able to understand those words, but if Sirius said them, he was sure he would break down. Sirius meant the world to him. “We probably should… Can we wait until after we eat, though?” He would hate to lose his appetite after being so damn hungry. It would make him sick.
Sirius leaned back as he ate, smirking at the way Remus had also gotten more. “Mhm, See, you were hungry. I knew.” He said, then nodded once as he shoved a rather large fork-full of pasta into his mouth. Sirius understood why Remus didn’t want to talk about it right then, and truth be told, his own stomach was churning at the thought of talking to Remus about all of this. “It can wait. Let’s just eat.” He said as he continued to eat.. or more like .. shovel the food into his mouth. Anything to distract him for now.